Men can be Victims of Domestic Abuse Too
By Jeffery M. Leving and Arthur S. Kallow
The conviction of a former ballerina who had been charged with second-degree murder and convicted by a jury of manslaughter in the shooting death of her estranged husband in Florida has generated a lot of interest, playing out like a typical Dateline episode.
On one side, the prosecution alleged that the former ballerina, Ashley Benefield, 33, killed her husband, Doug Benefield, 55, because she was in a contentious custody battle that she insisted on winning “at all costs.” Lawyers for Ashley Benefield portrayed a much different picture, alleging that she was the victim of persistent abuse who acted in self-defense when she fatally shot Doug Benefield in her home south of Tampa on Sept. 27, 2020.
Although she was prosecuted for murder, the jury found her guilty of manslaughter and she was sentenced to 20 years in jail. She is currently incarcerated while this decision is presently being appealed. One thing that this case has shed light on is that, yes, it is indeed possible for men to be the victims of domestic abuse and violence. Before I’m unfairly attacked, I must point out that I’m not rendering an opinion on the Benefield case. My point is about the broader issue of domestic violence against men.
The fact is that many male survivors of domestic abuse stay silent due to shame, embarrassment, and fear of not being believed. There is a societal bias that says men cannot be victims of domestic violence or abuse by women — and that sort of belief just encourages and prolongs the abuse.
While it may be true that many believe women are more often on the receiving end of physical violence, all genders are equally capable of psychological abuse, which includes smear campaigns and reputation destruction.
The goal of psychological abuse is often to manipulate and carefully do harm. Because of an intimate relationship history, a domestic abuser knows the best ways to do this. Individuals capable of psychological or narcissistic abuse often use their target’s weaknesses, such as their mental health history, or their gender, to portray their own victimhood in an attempt to destroy someone they feel wronged them. Individuals with narcissistic tendencies are often inclined to project and often really do believe they were abused, adding to their ability to manipulate, or “gaslight”, their significant other.
Sometimes when men are victims of domestic abuse or violence, their spouses end up playing into the societal biases we wrongfully share and claim that they are the actual victims. Unfortunately, because of these biases, many people make up their minds about who the aggressor is, and it takes a lot of evidence and information to change that. That is not fair.
Men, like women, deserve to have their allegations of domestic abuse and/or violence heard and investigated with the utmost seriousness. It takes a lot of courage for any victim to speak out, and considering the societal biases that I’ve mentioned, it may even be harder for men to come forward.
If one is looking for evidence of how widespread domestic abuse and violence is against men, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 1 in 9 men experience physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. And because of the stigma associated with men who are victims, it can be assumed that many cases go unreported.
It’s also important to note that domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. It can also take form in digital or online, financial, mental, verbal, emotional, and sexual ways and many of the forms of abuse can overlap.
The reasons for domestic abuse and violence vary, but most experts agree that often it is a way for the perpetrator to gain power and control.
For men who are victims of domestic abuse or violence, it’s important they recognize the signs and begin to keep a record of what’s occurred, complete with video, photo and other evidence documenting any injuries, property damage, or fights. Reach out to someone you trust, and think about calling a domestic violence hotline for advice. Know that you are not alone and that there is no shame in speaking out and standing up for yourself. The sooner you do, the less of a stigma there will be for the next victim to come forward and on and on. This will benefit countless men and help to educate the public that, yes, men can be victims too.
Attorney Jeffery M. Leving is the recipient of the Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award from the President of the United States.
Leving has dedicated his career to safeguarding children and reuniting them with their fathers.
Attorney Arthur S. Kallow was honored for his valuable contribution to the Domestic Relations Division of the Circuit Court of Cook County, Illinois as a court facilitator. He’s a Litigation Director for the Law Offices of Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd. Get more information at DadsRights.com.
Hanania also writes about Middle East issues for the Arab News, and The Arab Daily News criticizing government policies in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Hanania was named "Best Ethnic American Columnist" by the New America Media in November 2007, and is the 2009 recipient of the SPJ National Sigma Delta Chi Award for column writing.
Email Ray Hanania at rghanania@gmail.com.
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