Children of divorce caught in the middle during the holidays
By Jeffery M. Leving
Despite Hollywood images of happy families sitting around a large table for holiday meals, the reality is that about 50% of couples end up divorced.
So, while I am not trying to be a holiday Grinch, I am pointing out the fact that a lot of families are struggling, especially at holiday time.
Thus, it is more important to show your children that you love them through parental cooperation instead of by competing with the other parent.
Divorced parents often need to make sacrifices for their children and should think of those sacrifices as gifts to their children, although they should not withhold actual gifts that their children may want like a new toy, doll, or video game.
It’s important at this time of year to be more compromising than ever. Be prepared to give up what you might want in order to keep things civil and do not tell your kids you are making the sacrifice for them as that could cause them to feel caught in the middle. An honorable peace can be preferable than going to war.
It is also vital to ensure that you do not put your children in a loyalty bond, which can occur at this time of year. Children should not feel guilty about loving both of their parents. This could lead to parental alienation which can be harmful to your children. Instead of thinking about how great it would be for you and your extended family to have the kids for the holidays, it’s more important to consider what’s going to be best for their emotional and psychological health. In case you’re wondering — what’s best for children of divorce is to avoid parental conflict. Whatever you can do to avoid a fight is what you should do, put your kids first.
You can tell your ex something like, “Okay, you can have the children on Labor Day this year, and I’ll make it up next year.” That’s an example of making a sacrifice for your kids.
Of course, I do not encourage anyone to be a doormat or violate a court order. In the above scenario, the parent who agreed to not have their kids on Labor Day might also want to contact their lawyer in a timely fashion to ensure they do indeed get to have their kids on Labor Day next year.
Often when approaching the holidays, divorced parents wonder if, for the sake of their children, they should attempt to celebrate the holidays with their ex. While this may work for some couples who have experienced a relatively low-conflict divorce, for many other couples, this is probably not a healthy option. High tension situations should be avoided and couples with a lot of animosity should avoid escalating conflict. Kids are very perceptive and will sense the conflict — and may become frightened. Either way, in this type of scenario, the divorced parents should celebrate the holidays separately if appropriate for the situation.
Another issue that may come up during the holidays is which set of grandparents will the children get to spend time with. Grandparents need to understand that children of divorce are too often caught in a tug-of-war. Parents should make an effort to make sure their children get to spend positive time with both sets of grandparents. This applies to the entire year, not just for the holidays.
If you’re wondering if the children should have any say in regards to who they want to spend the holidays with, the answer is maybe. If the kids are teenagers, they probably should have a say, while parents of kids under 12 should probably make the decisions for them. Hopefully all this is spelled out in a court order. I describe in detail how divorce affects children in four age groups in my book How to be a Good Divorced Dad (Jossey-Bass).
Gifts for the children is often another issue that comes up around holiday time. It is vital to communicate with your ex on this if possible, as you don’t want to have a situation where one parent with financial resources rushes out and buys all of the top gifts on the kids lists, leaving the other parent who is financially struggling to give socks and underwear. It is also important to not compete with your ex to give the largest gift and important to realize that big gifts do not compensate or change the situation, so showering your child with gifts is not going to solve the real problems.
These are just a few tips that divorced parents should keep in mind, especially at this time of year. Of course, these tips should also be goals throughout the year with the main theme being that parents need to ensure that the welfare of their children is their number one priority.
It’s worth it. Your children are worth it. Have a great Labor Day.
Attorney Jeffery M. Leving is the recipient of the U.S. Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award. Leving, who has dedicated his career to safeguarding children and reuniting them with their fathers, has written three acclaimed books: “Fathers’ Rights,” “Divorce Wars” and “How to be a Good Divorced Dad,” the latter of which was praised by then President Obama and by the late Cardinal Francis E. George, then the Archbishop of Chicago. For more information about Leving, law and fatherhood, email [email protected].
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Hanania was named "Best Ethnic American Columnist" by the New America Media in November 2007, and is the 2009 recipient of the SPJ National Sigma Delta Chi Award for column writing.
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