Lonely fathers need to take steps to end epidemic and provide good examples to their children
By Jeffery M. Leving
Male loneliness is a problem in this country that you may not have heard of but some experts are now calling it an epidemic and saying it is not only hazardous to mens health, it is providing a poor example for kids.
According to a June study published in Nature, people that are socially isolated, which is another way of saying lonely, have a 32% higher chance of dying early than those who are not. Richard Reeves, author of “Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It,” concurs with this and notes in this book that one of the most common words in men’s suicide notes is the word “worthless.”
The reasons why some men feel worthless is because of a lack of friendships, especially among fathers, the experts say.
A 2021 survey from the Survey Center on American Life backed this up, showing that less than 50% of men report being satisfied with their friendships, and only 1 in 5 said they received emotional support from a friend in the last week, compared with 4 in 10 women.
Experts say that close friendships provide for better mental and physical health, and help fight off loneliness, which has proven to be a health hazard. For fathers, the numbers were even worse than the numbers for males in general and are part of what behavioral experts call the male loneliness epidemic.
Plainly put, many fathers are having a hard time finding connection and friendship — and this applies to both fathers who work remotely from home and those who go into a place of work every day.
Interestingly, as kids, boys and girls have about the same amount of friends as girls, but researchers have found that beginning in late adolescence, the amount of friendships between males begin to dwindle. Not surprising to me, the main reason for the falloff of friendships between men seem to be stereotypes and social pressures.
Men who express their vulnerability, which is usually necessary to form close friendships, are often afraid they will be viewed as weak, or less than a man. It’s a stigma that may be outdated, but one that sadly still exists. However, it is one that needs to be addressed, especially by men who want to be positive role models for their children.
Traditionally, many men made long-term bonds and friendships through religious institutions and from their place of work which often were overwhelmingly male. These days, many of those traditional male institutions have been eroded and while the addition of women has been a positive thing, it has eroded some of the support men would usually get among themselves.
Making the situation worse, many fathers, especially divorced fathers, are regarded as unnecessary people who complicate parenting instead of essential figures that help their children grow into healthy adults. The experts say this type of attitude has impacted the self-esteem of many fathers, causing many to feel worthless and sometimes lead them to disengage from their family and/or disappear within themselves.
This is not good for them or their children. What seems to be needed are the creation of communities that encourage fathers to participate more and be proud of who they are. Fathers need to seek mentorship and places where they can find true friends.
Experts say men need to not be afraid to take on caregiver roles such as teachers, nurses and childcare workers to help break many of these stereotypes.
Men also need to join their community and not be afraid to appear vulnerable. Simply put, many fathers need to realize that admitting vulnerability is a strength rather than a weakness. Experts say the best way to find real friends is to listen to others and ask real questions.
People love when someone is interested in them and often will be more than willing to provide mentorship and also share their own stories and vulnerabilities, which leads to trust on both sides. It is something that cannot be forced but being open to new friendships is often the key.
Fathers also need to realize that this will not only help them, it will help their children, as children will often emulate their father’s behavior no matter if it’s healthy or unhealthy. This is something all fathers should keep in mind, which should lead to them being more likely to ignore outdated stereotypes and do something that may seem risky, but will pay off handsomely for them and their children.
Attorney Jeffery M. Leving is the recipient of President Biden’s 2023 Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award. Leving, who has dedicated his career to safeguarding children and reuniting them with their fathers, has written three acclaimed books: “Fathers’ Rights,” “Divorce Wars” and “How to be a Good Divorced Dad,” the latter of which was praised by President Obama and by Cardinal Francis E. George, then the Archbishop of Chicago. Follow Jeffery M. Leving on Facebook and X @DadsRights.
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